The Dark Side of Positivity: Why "Toxic Positivity" Hurts

Toxic positivity isn't about being optimistic. It's the dismissal of real emotions and struggles, creating more harm than healing. Here's why we need to acknowledge pain.

The Hidden Cost of "Toxic Positivity"

Toxic Smiley Face by AI

We are often told that being positive is a choice, a lifestyle, and a way of life that will carry us through even the toughest moments. "Look on the bright side!" they say. "Smile, and the world will smile with you." For many, these sayings have become mantras, shaping how we approach life’s hardships. But what happens when positivity becomes forced, hollow, and neglectful of the pain we are truly feeling?

The term "toxic positivity" is frequently used to describe a phenomenon that, while seemingly well-intentioned, has a dark side that can be far more harmful than helpful. At its core, toxic positivity isn't about being optimistic or trying to cheer someone up, it's about refusing to acknowledge that some things in life simply suck, and that it's okay to feel pain, sadness, or anger.

The Fine Line Between Optimism and Dismissal

We’ve all encountered well-meaning individuals who, when faced with someone else's hardship, try to offer comfort in the form of clichés: “It could be worse,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “At least you still have your health.” On the surface, these comments might seem like a kind way to help someone feel better. But the deeper implication here is that the suffering person is expected to be happy or grateful despite what they are going through.

Imagine you’ve just lost your job: something that leaves you feeling lost and uncertain about your future. It’s a heavy blow. Yet, instead of allowing you to process your grief, someone responds with, “But you’re healthy, so what’s the big deal?” This is not kindness; it’s an emotional shutdown. It dismisses your very real pain in an attempt to sweep it away with a shallow remark. In that moment, you’re not encouraged to heal, you’re told that your emotions are inconvenient and unnecessary.

Toxic positivity thrives in environments where emotions are brushed aside for the sake of maintaining a facade of happiness and contentment. It’s a denial of the full spectrum of human experience, which is crucial for personal growth and emotional well-being.

The Trap of Suppressing Emotions

Toxic positivity isn't just about smiling in the face of adversity, it’s about refusing to accept negative emotions as valid. Feelings like sadness, anger, and frustration are an inherent part of life, and suppressing them can have devastating consequences. When we suppress our pain, we deny ourselves the chance to process and heal.

For someone who has battled depression, this toxic positivity is especially grating. Having faced the darkness of mental health struggles, the last thing you want to hear is a hollow “just think positive” or “stop being negative” when you're at your lowest. This isn't about needing an instant fix or a quick pep talk. It’s about being heard, validated, and given space to feel what you’re feeling.

When people are told to “cheer up” or “get over it,” the underlying message is that their pain doesn’t matter. It’s an attempt to minimize their struggles by framing them as something temporary and inconsequential. The assumption here is that if people just “think positively” or “look at the bright side,” their problems will disappear. But for many, these struggles are ongoing, and pushing them aside only prolongs the healing process.

Why We Must Acknowledge Pain

Life is full of challenges, and it’s impossible to go through it without experiencing some form of hardship or disappointment. Toxic positivity dismisses this reality by pretending that everything is perfect, or should be. But we cannot fully appreciate joy without understanding pain. Without the acknowledgment of suffering, we lose the depth of human experience.

There is a significant difference between encouraging optimism and insisting that people ignore their emotions. The former helps people healthily reframe their circumstances, while the latter forces people to invalidate their feelings for the sake of keeping up a happy exterior. And the truth is that “happy face” is often a mask for discomfort or unease.

The Harmful Cycle of Invalidating Struggles

Toxic positivity can create a dangerous cycle in which people feel pressured to hide their true emotions, further isolating them from others. If you can’t be honest about your struggles without being told to “look on the bright side,” you may start to feel alienated from the people around you. This is particularly harmful in close relationships, where emotional support is meant to be mutual. When someone dismisses your pain, it can feel as though they are rejecting your very humanity.

The harm of toxic positivity is compounded when the person offering these empty platitudes has never experienced the hardship or trauma they are attempting to diminish. Those who have never struggled with depression, grief, or significant life challenges may be the first to suggest that everything will be fine, or that you simply need to change your mindset. This adds insult to injury because it demonstrates a lack of empathy or understanding of what it’s like to truly suffer.

Finding Balance: Embracing Both Joy and Pain

The key to overcoming toxic positivity is learning to acknowledge all emotions, not just the “positive” ones. Life is a balance of highs and lows, and to reject the lows is to deny an essential part of the human experience. It's not about constantly wallowing in negativity, but about understanding that both joy and sadness coexist and contribute to our emotional growth.

We need to create spaces where it's okay to feel bad, to admit when things aren't okay, and to be vulnerable with others. It's important to permit ourselves to process emotions without guilt or shame. At the same time, we can still encourage ourselves and others to find hope and strength in difficult times, but only after we’ve first honoured the pain that exists.

Real Support in the Face of Struggles

True support comes not from offering quick fixes or empty words, but from offering a compassionate, empathetic ear. When someone is going through something difficult, the best way to help is not to tell them to “look on the bright side,” but to acknowledge their pain, listen without judgment, and give them space to express their feelings.

Rather than promoting a culture of toxic positivity, we should foster an environment where it’s okay to not be okay. In doing so, we will allow people to heal on their terms, without the pressure to conform to an artificial standard of happiness.

In our journey toward emotional well-being, let’s remember that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or disappointed. These emotions are just as valid as the more positive ones, and by accepting them, we make room for true healing and growth.

If you’ve ever struggled with toxic positivity or found yourself trapped by the pressure to constantly maintain a cheerful facade, share your experiences. Let's work together to create a space where emotional authenticity is celebrated, not suppressed. For more content like this, please subscribe, share with friends, or consider buying me a coffee to support the work I do. Together, we can create a more compassionate world, one that acknowledges both the sunshine and the rain.